Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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