I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
