Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
