So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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