So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
