The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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