Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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