If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
there was a trapeze. enough said
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
