Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
