so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
