I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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