note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
