Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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