from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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