he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
