ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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