My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I FOUND THE LEGS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
