You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
