I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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