Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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