why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
