i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
A+ Viking dick
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
