I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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