He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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