In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
