i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
