She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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