I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
