Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
