just come out here and I will go home with you...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
