My friends, they love my intelligence
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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