I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
