Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
