I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
