So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
