I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
