Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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