What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
