Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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