I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
