And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
