you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
