Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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