someone threw a dead crab at me
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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