If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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