all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
