I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
