I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
