Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
