Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
